MEAN GIRLS IN A DIGITAL AGE: DESPITE AWARENESS, CRUELTY FLOURISHES IN CULTURE OF CELL PHONES, MYSPACE
After years grappling with the pain suffered by young girls beaten up with
bruising words and dirty looks, Judy Fiermonte was compelled to write a public
plea for kindness.
But the longtime Santa Rosa therapist never anticipated that the essay she
submitted to The Press Democrat calling for an end to ''the hidden culture of
aggression in girls'' would produce such an outpouring.
Dozens of school principals, teachers, counselors and parents e-mailed
Fiermonte thanking her, sharing their own stories or asking for tools to deal
with a problem whose clinical name -- relational aggression -- is only slowly
beginning to seep into the popular culture.
The outpouring gives voice to a sticky social problem that has existed at
least since the drawing rooms of Jane Austen's day. But the old slam books and
bathroom graffiti of 50 years ago have been replaced by the high-speed,
anonymous tools of the Internet that have made it possible to shred a
reputation with a keystroke.
''It really impacts learning,'' Fiermonte told parents and educators at a
workshop on the issue Saturday. ''You can't learn when you're freaked out
about what is happening socially.''
The results can be devastating -- or worse. An 18-year-old Ohio girl hanged
herself last summer after an ex-boyfriend disseminated nude photos of her and
after other girls began verbally harassing her.
Samantha Frias of Rohnert Park said even at 18 she found herself a target
after reconnecting with a boy she once dated. His current girlfriend had his
passwords, got her contact information from his computer and organized a
campaign of electronic hate mail from girls she'd never met.
''It was all over MySpace. They even got my cell phone number. Sometimes I
would get off work and have up to four voicemails on my phone and one went so
far as threatening ... 'We know where you live so watch your back little
girl.'''
Frias said her work with Circle of Friends, an empowerment program for
girls 10 to 14, gave her perspective and helped her not lose her sense of
self-worth. But it still was so distracting she failed two classes her first
semester at Sonoma State University.
Six years ago, a pair of best-selling books, ''Odd Girl Out'' by Rachel
Simmons and ''Queen Bees and Wannabes'' by Rosalind Wiseman, pulled into the
public square a long-hidden world of social aggression. Both books noted that
while boy bullies more commonly use their fists, girls, who are more verbal
and highly attuned to relationships, frequently use words, manipulation and
body language to target another girl's friendships or reputation.
It's subtle and hard to sort out and because it leaves no visible bruises
or blood, it often flies under the radar of adults. When adults do become
aware, they're often at a loss how to intervene.
''There is a very intricate web of who said what to whom and when. And the
original insult that starts the whole ripple effect is often very, very deep,
involving alliances that are often widespread and ever changing. That's why
it's hard to pin down,'' said Maxine Reagh, principal of Robert L. Stevens
Elementary in Santa Rosa.
The books on girl aggression spawned movies such as the popular ''Mean
Girls'' starring Lindsay Lohan. Both authors went on to write more books and
develop workshops, programs and curricula aimed at empowering kids to work out
their differences with healthier communication and to feel better about
themselves, so they don't get engaged in cruel dramas.
At the same time, earnest efforts to teach schoolyard civility are
undermined by a corroding media culture that glamorizes gossip, glorifies
girls with attitude and revels in ''catfights,'' whether it's ''Desperate
Housewives'' or so-called reality shows such as ''The Apprentice.''
''I call it 'sassy pants.' It's cool to be sassy, and it's cool to be mean
and hurt other people,'' said Amy Chevrolet, director of Circle of Sisters,
which is funded by St. Joseph's Health System. It conducts weekly sessions at
nine elementary and middle schools in Sonoma County.
Schools and school districts in recent years have incorporated programs to
combat bullying in all its forms. A number of Santa Rosa schools have
Community Matters, which selects student leaders not for their GPAs but for
being well-liked and having the respect of their peers, and trains them to
look out for any mean behavior.
But such programs do carry a price tag the school district can no longer
afford, leaving it up to individual schools to fund it if they choose through
parent associations or campus allocations, said Larry Haenel, a retired
Montgomery High English teacher and member of the school board.
Despite heightened awareness, the problem persists, abetted by cell phones
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